The Tortoise and The Bear!

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Vegan lemon cupcakes with lemon “buttercream” October 2, 2011

Filed under: Food,Jeremy Post,New Projects! — Jeremy! @ 8:01 pm
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Per my promise late last night, and because I’m very good at getting amped up about projects only to abandon them soon after, here’s a recipe! Penelope and I decided to start writing about food on here more, because that’s basically all that happens in our lives.

Also, as an additional bonus, I was going to add some Amazon Affiliate links to this page, but apparently, Arkansas residents aren’t eligible for the program. You’ll have to click the links that I put down there, buy things for your own personal gratification, and know that I’m not getting a dime for it.

Anyway, I finally managed to make a vegan cupcake which has a satisfying texture. The recipe is adapted from a website that adapted it from the book  Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World. The recipe makes 2 dozen cupcakes.

  • 2 cups soymilk
  • 2 teaspoons apple cider vinegar
  • 2 1/2 cups cake flour
  • 2 tablespoons cornstarch
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • pinch (~1/2 tsp) salt
  • 2/3 cup canola oil
  • 1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
  • 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon almond extract
  • 1 tablespoon lemon extract
  • zest of 4 lemons

Preheat oven to 350 and put cute cupcake liners in the pan (prettier the better). Mix the soymilk and vinegar together and set aside while you get the rest of the ingredients ready; this is going to curdle like faux buttermilk. Assemble everything but the lemon zest via the muffin method: mix the wet ingredients (remember, sugar is a wet ingredient!) together, sift all of the dry ingredients together, then pour wet over dry and mix just until all the big lumps are gone. The less mixing, the better, less gluten, etc. Then stir in the lemon zest, fill the cups 2/3rd-3/4th full and bake for 18-20 minutes, using the toothpick test as necessary. The original recipe said 20-22 minutes, but my uneven oven had one pan done in 18 and the other needed a full 5 minutes extra. Just keep an eye on them.

Remove the pans to cool – when they are completely cool, here’s the frosting:

  • 1 lb box confectioners’ sugar
  • 1/2 cup butter-flavored shortening (check the ingredients; the Crisco I found didn’t have any animal products, just terrible chemicals)
  • Juice and zest from 2 lemons (about 4 tablespoons worth of juice)
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons lemon extract
  • Soymilk, if necessary

Beat the shortening until fluffy or hopelessly smeared all about the bowl. Add powdered sugar, extracts, zest and about half of the juice and try to mix into a vaguely homogenous paste. Add the rest of the lemon juice little by little and beat until it’s the texture that you want. The frosting assumes that you have a stand or hand mixer, if not, you’re on your own. Frost, and delicately sprinkle some lemon zest over the top if you’re feeling fancy.

Notes: using cake flour and sifting actually make a big difference in this recipe – having made it with all-purpose and cake flour, this way comes out much lighter and airier. And second, I don’t know how y’all are zesting lemons, but here in the 21st century, we use any one of a plethora of Microplane graters… I’d provide Amazon links, but the work computers don’t like Amazon today. The coolest one is the box grater, it’s kind of a pain in the ass to clean; there’s a large handheld model, and a seemingly uselessly small handheld model. Any of them will be infinitely easier than dealing with a regular box grater for this kind of thing, though.

Hooray! I wrote a food-related post! In the future, I’ll have to remember to not upload iPhone pictures at an angle that’s vomit-inducing.

 

Finally, some spaghetti carbonara. June 29, 2011

Filed under: Jeremy Post,New Projects! — Jeremy! @ 8:13 pm
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Penelope and I went to D’Carlo, out on the county line near Alexander the other night and I would have rather had canned macaroni and cheese. Penelope ate her food, but I took a bite of mine and just sent it back. My “carbonara” was a big pile of noodles with some sauce poured on top of limp bacon and some sort of dairy. When challenged about it, he said “well that’s how we do it in my hometown of Sicily.” Thankfully, the “only way [he] could feel good about his customer service was to not charge me for it.” I have literally never sent a dish back at a restaurant before, at least not without giving them the opportunity to fix it.

 

The next night, we go to Olive Garden, having given up on the indie Italian scene. I am smart enough to ask at this point, and no, they do the same thing: pre-cooked sauce plopped on noodles. And the waitress had been programmed to say “pancetta bacon” every time she mentioned it, which I thought was kind of cute.

 

So tonight!! I feasted! Browned some pancetta in a pan, tossed in garlic and shallot, cooked pasta, stirred it all together with some grated Pecorino cheese and a couple of eggs. Looks like hell, tasted like heaven.

 

 

Hay everyone! June 26, 2011

Filed under: Jeremy Post,New Projects! — Jeremy! @ 11:13 pm
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This is a quick test for a cool new thing that may or may not ever function correctly. Cross your fingers!

 

Summer plans? March 2, 2011

Do you live somewhere along this route?

Let me know! This is the trip I am proposing for myself this summer.

I mean, I still have no idea what I am doing this summer and as usual I am freaking out about that. But in theory, I want to make this trip.

What are YOU doing this summer? Please tell me. Inspire me.

 

New Piercing! February 2, 2011

Apparently, getting pierced in Little Rock is impossible, unless you want to go somewhere where mouth=autoclave and the piercers wear human flesh over their hands as gloves. (exaggerating, but the Internet is not kind to other shops in town.)

I wanted to go to 7th Street!

Imagine, for a moment, with me, that you are a piercing shop. What time would you close on a Saturday? I was waiting for Tony to get off so he could come watch, at 9:30. By the time he got home to Conway, it was 10 PM, and my puppy-dog eyes at their locked door didn’t help. That’s right, a tattoo/piercing place closed at 10 on a Saturday.

Went back Monday, a few minutes after 9. The piercer had already left for the day, but the shop guy told me he’d give me $10 off for having to come back so much. Score, I guess. So Penny and I came back last night, Tuesday, and the piercer was there! Penny watched in horror as the nice man put a needle through my dick, and then a bright, shiny ring. I have a PA once again.

First piercing I’ve had since my self-inflicted scrotal piercing back in 2007, and after not having one for so long, going back in a piercing place is kind of weird. I mean, I wasn’t terribly nervous, because it should be old hat for me, I guess, but man, has it been a while. The besdt part was that he pierced it at 12g and stretched it to 10 – this one is bleeding SO much less than the last time I got one. I think I would have freaked out if he had told me ahead of time that it was his plan, but it really didn’t hurt any more than getting pierced twice in quick succession. If any of you out there are wondering, I totally recommend that method, I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said the last time I got it pierced, I lost ounces of blood.

Fast-forward to today – I’m in the clean room, preparing IV meds for children. And my foreskin is all wrong right now. But I can’t fix it in here, I just can’t. Normally if I try and walk around with it skinned back, it’ll just go back to usual. Let’s cross our fingers and hope. ::closes eyes and wishes really hard::

 

More insane neighbors! February 1, 2011

Why can’t we have non-insane neighbors?
We had this couple move in below us and we have been really nice to them. Sometimes we chat and I was pretty sure we had an okay relationship with them. If nothing else we never called the cops on them, when they fight and wake me up at 2 in the morning (which happened a couple times a week, when I lived in my room).

But apparently they yelled at Fritz, Cashs dog and Fritz growled at her and then ran upstairs to Cash. She said she was going to shoot Fritz, which she would clearly never do, but still that is an insane thing to say. Apparently last night when Cash was in his room, she yelled up to our house “I don’t know who the fuck they think they are, what I do know is they are a bunch of fags” … “faggity, faggy fags, they are not gunna have a dog much longer”.

Now, I have not seen the neighbors yet, after this, but I am REALLY EXCITED to. We talked to the landlords today and they are fine with Cash and the dog living with us. I told them we might have to get on their front porch and really show them what a faggot looks like. They seemed to think that would be a good idea.

So we might be having a make out party, with glitter and tom of finland posters, on our back porch sometime soon. Wouldn’t that be fun!

 

Wish list! January 10, 2011

Filed under: New Projects!,Penelope Post — PP! @ 2:03 am
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Oh look at that! Tortoise and The Bear got an Amazon wish list!

We love things and you might love buying things. It’s a match made in heaven!

(It’s over there ====================>)

((That is an arrow, not a penis))